The Advice from A Dad Which Helped Us as a New Father

"In my view I was just just surviving for the first year."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience quickly proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her chief support as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, each diaper… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You aren't in a good place. You need support. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While people is now better used to talking about the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles fathers face.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a larger reluctance to communicate amongst men, who often internalise negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It's not a sign of being weak to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to take a respite - taking a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has transformed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the language of emotion and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "bad decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help isn't failing - prioritising you is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, sometimes I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."